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Trump signs executive order: President for Life

edited November 2020 in Off-Topic


Numerous internet sources of unknown reliability are reporting that:
While Trump supporters descended on Washington for events contesting Biden's victory, President Trump exercised his “enhanced executive powers” today in issuing an executive order proclaiming himself “President for Life”. He justified this extraordinary directive on his Second Amendment rights, noting that his recently installed Supreme Court has ruled that the Constitution allows anyone and everyone the right to bear arms, limited only by the ability to obtain such arms.

Trump noted that his personal armament now consists of the Armed Forces of the United States. A number of newly installed Trump loyalists now heading the Defense Department have signaled their agreement with this rather unusual interpretation, and have announced that the resources of the Defense Department are “at the President’s personal disposal”.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has objected strenuously, claiming “this is nothing more than an unbridled power grab”. However Senate leader Mitch McConnell has announced that he “sees no problem” with the new governmental arrangement, noting that “this should remove all doubt involving resolution of the election issues” and “lead to greater stability in all governmental operations”. When asked about reports that a military detachment is en route to the House of Representatives, with orders to arrest Speaker Pelosi and install Minority leader Kevin McCarthy as the new House leader, McConnell said that he believed “such a move would be most beneficial in insuring increased cooperation between the House and Senate chambers”.

Over the past week, President Trump has axed his defense secretary and other top Pentagon aides, his second-in-command at the U.S. Agency for International Development, two top Homeland Security officials, a senior climate scientist and the leader of the agency that safeguards nuclear weapons.

A number of White House insiders, who remained anonymous to prevent retribution, have said that President Trump is preparing to appoint “acting editors” to every major news organization in the United States, along with a “temporary suspension” of the First Amendment. The President is justifying this action, observing that the suppression of all “fake news” will further insure the peace and stability of the United States, thus helping to make America great again.

This is a preliminary report, and, if the situation allows, will be updated as events develop. We have to go now, as there are reports of some sort of an armed group now approaching the newsroom…


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